When I think of those days and see pictures like this - it's hard to describe the feeling... Let me try...
When I was in high school I wore 'White Musk' from The Body Shop. That was my 'signature scent.' I haven't worn it or owned it in a long time - but not so long ago, I happened by The Body Shop and took a quick sniff of my favorite high school perfume. And boom. I was there. Hustling off in my skirt, tuxedo shirt and apron to work at The Willows Retirement Center - my long hair in two braids that the old men liked to tug on - wondering who I'd be working with and what leftovers I'd get to eat... You know how scents do that to you... take you back to a time that you can never go back to.
Well, when I look at pictures of Samara when she was little, it's kind of like that - boom - I'm there... and those memories of her tiny-ness are warm and delicious and a little bit sad.
As I type, Samara is sitting up on her play mat, grabbing at whatever she can reach, looking at me periodically with her deep blue eyes (that are deeper blue because of the little denim outfit she has on), saying 'Ma-ma-ma-mom' over and over again... I didn't know her back then - didn't know her little personality, but when I look at her tiny-time pictures, I can see it. I can see who she is now in those eensy-weensy expressions. I think I miss her - miss the little her. And in a few months I'll miss this little her... so I'll go back to enjoying her now. :-)
5 comments:
Ahh, yes, the infamous White Musk! I do remember it well. :) I have also had those moments of sadness, reflecting on how little my own babies once were. I have found joy in cherishing each stage of growing- as each stage brings new things to hold on to and remember. If only we could freeze time!
There was a tiny baby on the bus home today and I was dying to hold him! I will never forget holding Samara only three hours old - and having the thought - "I wonder who you are?" When I met Patrick, my friend's new baby over here, I couldn't tell you WHAT kind of personality he has, but I could just tell there was in there just ready to burst forth! The funny thing is that on the bus today, I was also thinking about the ways I am still the same as 8 years ago when I left Scotland. I mean that in the sense that our personalities stay with us, don't they? How cool that they can be spotted at only months outside the womb, and they are uniquely our own :-)
We're feeling the same thing (not so much about the white musk though!)
The tater tots with ranch dressing were always good there :) I have to say the Willows was one of my least favorite places to work, but as with life an experience that I learned alot from.
Since returning home from Children's on April 1st I have thought of Samantha as an itty bitty too. It's funny because it seems like a whole lifetime ago. There's life before cancer and life after. That before life just seems so far away...just as far away as when Mandi was a baby and she turns 14 this summer...now i just feel old :)
Talk to you later. Karla
I can totally relate! Andrew is 15 months old now and while I love the stage he's in, I miss his littleness and his "old" personality and characteristics. I am trying to cherish and freeze through pictures and journaling each stage because they are going so fast!
Post a Comment