God Watcher

Christmas Letter 2011

2011-12-21T09:57:00.009-05:00

We extend Christmas greetings to you, now as a family of five! Our third daughter,
Zoe Beth, was born on her due date: May 19. Zoe means ‘life’ in Greek – and Beth, in addition to being my mom and my sister’s middle name, means ‘house’ in Hebrew. And so, Zoe Beth is a house of life. At 6 months, Zoe is the most laid back of our girls. She sleeps well, squeals happily and often, rolls over, and spits loudly while eating cereal.

Certainly, our house is full of life! Samara turned five in September, just a week after beginning kindergarten at Holland Christian’s Southside Elementary. When asked what her favorite thing about school is, she says ‘lunch and recess’, but I know she loves everything about school – from patterns to ‘sound spelling’ to Spanish class to computer lab to her teacher to her principal to the 4 Abbies in her class (and the rest of her young friends as well). She continues to be an eager, confident and yes, completely cancer-free child.

Naomi crossed many milestones this year. Along with Samara, she took her first swimming lessons. She moved into a big girl bed (the bunk below Samara’s), she potty-trained, and she learned to reserve her thumb-sucking for bedtime and naptime. There was a month in which we were working on all of those things at once. I think she got a little frustrated with us.  She loved becoming a big sister in the month before she turned three. She and Samara both adore Zoe. Tim and I love bringing Zoe into the big girls’ room in the morning. They are so much more willing to wake up when they see a happy Zoe perched there on the edges of their beds.

Tim and I have both entered our fourth years in our present ministries. Tim continues to flourish in his work as a hospice chaplain. He is loved by the patients and their families and respected and appreciated by his colleagues and superiors. Most importantly, he is experiencing the satisfaction http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifof being in tune with the way God has gifted him to serve the kingdom. He works steadily for Hospice of Holland, an average of 20 hours per week, and the rest of the days and many evenings he cares for our daughters with patience and creativity. Tim has also joined two boards within the last year. He is on the board of Calvin Theological Seminary, serving on the student affairs committee. He also joined the board of Jubilee Centers International – a ministry of our friends, David and Emily (Steenwyk) Romero. The Romeros are the founders and directors of a Christian school for poor children in a neighborhood of Tegucigalpa. We are very excited to partner with these two institutions – so different and yet linked by a commitment to God’s kingdom.

I am more excited about my work with the Celebration congregation at Harderwyk CRC than ever before. They are a people of depth and faith and integrity and I count it pure joy to be their pastor. I also continue to delight in the ministries of Neighbors Plus, the community development agency connected to Harderwyk CRC. I am on their board and get many opportunities to encourage others to reach out to our community through the relational programs of Neighbors Plus. I was also able to run my third half-marathon in September: the Park 2 Park is a fundraising race for Neighbors Plus.

Before Zoe’s birth, we took a trip out east to visit my friend Keri, and her family, and also to visit Tim’s brother, Than, who is in his second year at Yale Law School. Harderwyk extended me a generous nine week maternity leave after Zoe’s birth. Our family enjoyed many precious times – taking in the local farmer’s market, fully relishing prep-free Saturdays, and sharing a vacation house with my family at the end of June. Zoe recently traveled out-of-state for the first time when we went to West Des Moines to celebrate Thanksgiving with Grandma Winnie and Papa and the rest of the Petersen clan. We’re not sure when we’ll get to meet them, but we are looking forward to the December and March births of two new nieces! Tim’s sister, Stephanie, and sister-in-law, Noël, are both expecting girls. Their husbands, Shawn and Mike, are also in on the expectation. ;-)

The challenges of our jobs and of parenting are significant, but as my former spiritual director always said, the grace is in the struggle. And so, we wake up each morning in our house of life, and we leave to work in houses of life, and we send our children to houses of life to learn… and in those homes, we face the struggles and find the grace inside.

Happy Birthday, Judah!

2009-11-21T11:36:00.002-05:00

Enjoy Samara's birthday song for her new baby cousin! Happy birthday, dear Judah Robert Keizer!

And a few minutes of N and S dancing to Mary Poppins. :)

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The latest

2009-08-04T21:20:00.000-04:00

Singing, Dancing, Playing Harmonica

More walking...

2009-07-15T11:55:00.000-04:00

More of Na-Ne walking...

Naomi is walking!

2009-07-09T21:35:00.001-04:00

Naomi is Walking!

Growing Girls

2009-05-26T20:00:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted... again. All of my creative writing-energy goes into sermon-writing. I don't imagine anyone is a regular checker here anymore, but for the sake of my family here are some cute videos strung together. In the first, Samara and Naomi are fighting over a book. In the second, Naomi is waking Samara up from a nap - really the only time that Naomi ever has the upper hand... In the third, Naomi and I are peeking at each other through the crib rails.

Sweet Sisters

Tiny Michigan State fan.

2009-04-08T10:01:00.005-04:00

Our Spartans had a great season. Naomi is wearing the little cheerleader outfit that Samara wore a couple of years ago...

Here's a little video of N cheering.

The littlest Spartan.

Some new video

2009-03-31T14:53:00.001-04:00

Exercising!

Enjoy video of Naomi - she's doing this lounging/side-pose lately and kicking her little leg like she's doing floor exercises. :) And in the subsequent video of her in her hamper, listen for the Mama / Dada debate going on between sisters.

The Nebulizer

2009-03-02T10:39:00.003-05:00

A quick video of Naomi getting a breathing treatment and Samara trying to steal the show. Sorry for the lack of posts... it's been a long winter of sickness. Once I become de-congested, I think we'll all finally be healthy for the first time since January 16...

The nebulizer

Dancing! :-)

2009-01-06T13:34:00.000-05:00

Dancing at the Petersens

Godspell

2009-01-06T13:12:00.000-05:00

Naomi was really getting into this song...

Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord

The cousins

2009-01-06T12:54:00.002-05:00

We just got back from a great handful of days in Iowa. My sister's daughter and Samara and Naomi are just getting to know each other. Tracy and I already thought with longing of the days when they'll contentedly play together while the moms and dads do other things. At this point, we're all just parenting on top of each other and we don't have a lot of time to spend just as siblings... Here's a bit of footage of the three of them in their jammies last week Friday:

The cousins: Aletha, Naomi, Samara

My talkers

2008-12-22T13:26:00.002-05:00

Here is video of Naomi learning to syllabify and of Samara working on her boots. You'll hear Samara in the background of the first portion saying, "Come on, Boot!" She's trying to get her boots on... then you'll see her struggling. Unfortunately we didn't get visual video of the "Come on, Boot!" because we were busy getting some of N's first syllables. Samara's Battle of the Boot was really funny.

'Buh-bah' and 'Come on, Boot!'

Final Gifts

2008-12-11T19:37:00.003-05:00

Tim has recently begun working as the spiritual care facilitator for Hospice of Holland. In order to better understand the dying process, Tim and I are reading a book together called, Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying – written by two hospice nurses. This book is about the gifts that dying people give to themselves and to those who are walking with them as they die. These gifts are often words that dying people speak. The book opens with the story of a woman. As she died, she kept saying, “It’s time to get in line.” Her husband thought that she just wasn’t making sense. But, this woman had been a traveler all her life – and she was getting ready to take a journey away from her husband. Using her words, the nurses of hospice were able to help her talk about her death and help her husband grieve.

Layton died 8 years ago tonight. Layton wasn’t able to give me any final gifts - no seemingly incoherent words that actually meant something deeper. He went from talking to me on the cell phone, thinking that in a matter of minutes he was going to be teaching high school band and choir, to being unconscious, never to speak again. Layton never said, “It’s time to get in line,” or whatever else he might of said knowing that he was going to die.

But he did give me - and his family - a gift – several gifts. Layton had just begun writing music in the years before he died. Almost every one of the songs that he wrote in the last couple of years of his life spoke of his eternal hope. I think that in some way, Layton was being prepared for his death – and I was being prepared for his death.

I will go through the deepest of pain to magnify my Lord.
I will suffer insults to my name to lift up his sacred word.
I deny myself and all that’s mine to be part of the master’s grand design.
- from I am Not Ashamed

The struggle is over; lay your head down.
Rest in your Father's arms.
Lay down your burden; put on your crown.
No longer will you fear harm.
- from Rest in Him

When darkness drifts around you
And your eyes close in sleep,
the Lord watches over every breath you take.
And when death comes near to bring you home,
You have no need to fear.
Rest assured, the Lord is with you.
- from Child of God

But I have trust in your unfailing love.
I rejoice in your saving power.
I will sing and dance and laugh forever.
You are with me in my darkest hour.
- from Psalm 13

Death is not unfamiliar to me and now, with Tim working among the dying and with me working in a congregation in which I'll commit parishioners to the earth and to the Father's arms, we will familiarize ourselves with death again. We will have many occasions to confront our mortality. Renate Wind, in her biography of Bonhoeffer writes that we need to "prepare at the same time for both life and death" so that we can "die because [we] have really learned to live" and so that we can "live because [we] have come to terms with [our] death" (177).

Tonight, as I wear my first wedding rings around my neck, and remember the final moments we had with Layton on this side of eternity, I am thanking God for how he keeps calling me to vocations and through challenges that weave together so tightly. And I am thanking God for the gift of Layton and the final gifts he gave.

Layton Reid De Vries

March 17, 1976 - December 11, 2000

Little Miss Spits-A-Lot

2008-11-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

Little Miss Spits-a-Lot

Naomi and Rice Cereal... and Samara watching over it all...

2008-11-12T11:45:00.001-05:00

Attempt #2 at Rice Cereal

Talkin' to a man

2008-11-10T12:27:00.003-05:00

When I got Samara up from her nap yesterday afternoon, she said, "Talkin' to a man?" I said, "What man, Samara?" "Right there," she pointed to the wall. "Talkin' to a man."

Now, I'm not sure why I asked this, but ever since reading the relevant passage in The Shack the other night, I have had a vivid picture of Jesus having a conversation with Missy in the truck (if you've read The Shack, you know what I'm talking about).

So, I asked Samara, "Were you talking to Jesus?" In all of her sleepy matter-of-fact cuteness, Samara said, "Yep!"

When I brought her out to Tim in the living room, I told him that Samara had been talking to a man in her room. I told Samara to tell Daddy who she was talking to. "Jesus." Tim was wide-eyed. But lest he think she'd had a vision, I told him that I'd prompted the possibility.

But who knows, maybe she was talking to Jesus.

And even if she wasn't, with all of the Jesus Loves Me's and pictures of Jesus in her Children's Bibles and all the times we pray in Jesus' name, she must be beginning to have an inkling of an awareness that Jesus is someone who loves her. Jesus is someone she can talk to - on dark wintry afternoons in her night-light-lit bedroom when she wakes up from her nap.

On her way in to her room last night, she said, "Talkin' to Jesus?"

Yes, Samara Grace. You can talk to Jesus.

I'm a Daddy's Girl

2008-11-10T10:00:00.000-05:00

We bought a new tee-shirt for Samara at Target a few weeks ago. Here's a picture of it:

Tim is trying to embrace/live into his new role as part-time stay-at-home Dad and so he thought this tee-shirt would help him. When Tim pulled the tee-shirt off the rack, he asked our smart-Samara what the tee-shirt said. With conviction and pride, Samara pointed at the words and read: "I - LOVE - MAMA!"

:-)

Pastor Mama

2008-11-05T21:19:00.003-05:00

Tim taught Samara the names of some of the pastors at Harderwyk today - using the 'Meet the Harderwyk Staff' bulletin insert.

Here she is showing me what she learned.

Pastor Mama

And just so you know, she doesn't call me 'Pastor Mama' in any other context. Well, when she saw me wearing my robe last Sunday, she called me preaching mama... but otherwise, I'm just 'mama.' ;-)

Loving the Bible

2008-10-14T12:19:00.001-04:00

Samara reading the Bible to Naomi

Another video...

2008-10-13T11:59:00.001-04:00

Letters and Numbers... in a circle!

The De Jonges in publication...

2008-10-11T12:11:00.003-04:00

A picture on the cover of the CTS publication, the Forum.

A news article about my beginning at Harderwyk in today's Holland Sentinel.

Cute Samara video

2008-10-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

Running in circles

Bedtime stories

2008-10-02T15:03:00.003-04:00

I laughed as I put Naomi's pj's on last night. Tim was reading to Samara from her Children's Bible. Samara has learned early that she gets to stay up later when she picks really long books for us to read. The problem is that the Bible is really, really long - so long that the whole thing cannot be read before bed. And she always wants to start at the beginning.

This bothers Tim because he never gets past the Old Testament (Samara gets sick of it after a while and finds a different long book, like Tootle). And so - last night - he added commentary to each page in order to get some New Testament in there....

"'Adam and Eve are sorry and sad. They did something God told them not to do.' And later, God sent Jesus to save them from their sins!"

"'It rained and rained and rained. Soon everything was covered with water.' And in baptism, we learn all about water and what it's a sign of..."

"'Abraham and his wife Sarah were very sad because they didn't have any children. But who is this big boy? Now they have a son.' And in the New Testament, we read about Zechariah and Elizabeth who had a son in their old age."

"'Jacob had a dream about angels going up and down from heaven.' And in John, we read about how angels of God will ascend and descend on the Son of Man."

Preaching Christ from the Old Testament. :) Way to go, Love.

And now - I need to make a decision about what to preach for my first sermon as the pastor of Celebration at Harderwyk... I think it's going to be from the Old Testament. Samara will be pleased. And Tim won't have to listen to it because he'll still be at Faith. No matter what, I'll be sure to preach Christ.

DSL is faster

2008-10-02T09:43:00.002-04:00

So, I can upload video WAY faster at work... :)

Here's a video of Naomi talking... this was several weeks ago already, but it's cute.

Eventually, I'll get around to reflecting on this amazing transition to my new position... but hard to reflect when I'm doing so much... er... flecting. :)

Until then...

Naomi talking

Video for the aunties...

2008-09-27T21:33:00.001-04:00

Dear Aunt Stephanie asked for some video.

Here it is. I'm sure Aunt Tracy and Aunt Noel and various uncles will also enjoy:

Hanging out on the couch

Saying Yes

2008-09-03T20:56:00.002-04:00

At the council meeting a few weeks ago - the council meeting at which I was asked several questions and during which the council of Harderwyk CRC voted to let the congregation vote on whether or not to extend me a call - in that council meeting both of the pastors of the other communities of Harderwyk prayed: "Lord, help us to say 'yes' before we know what we are saying 'yes' to."

And I've just done just that.

I sent the letter of acceptance today. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Brothers and Sisters at Harderwyk Christian Reformed Church; especially those of the Celebration congregation,

It is with solid trust in our God and with complete confidence in the guidance of the Holy Spirit that I accept the call to become your pastor.

Over the last week and a half, Tim and I have had many conversations – with God, with each other, with our family and friends, and with members of Harderwyk. We have also received several phone calls and letters from many of you. Through these communications, God spoke with the kind of clarity and consistency that can only come from God. We believe that in your call God himself is calling. Once we made the decision to accept the call, Tim and I experienced the peace that passes understanding.

I pray for that same peace to reign in your midst as we look forward to the time when we enter ministry together: studying the Word together, reaching the lost together, singing and praying together, and comforting others with the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

Your Sister in Christ,

Pastor Heidi

After I wrote the letter, I grabbed Samara in a big hug and said, "Mommy is going to be a pastor in a church!" And immediately Samara said, "Shoes on?! Nursery?!" and ran to get her shoes from her bedroom.

She's ready to go. We'll be ready soon.

The vote

2008-08-26T11:06:00.002-04:00

First - thank you so much for all of your prayers for peace and patience. Yesterday was a long day and last night was a long night. We didn't hear until after 10:00pm the result of the Council's deliberation. And then our internet was down so I wasn't able to do the immediate communication I'd hoped to do.

The short story is this. They've extended the call (the letter is being hand-delivered this afternoon), but the call from the three congregations combined is much stronger than the call from the congregation in which I would be serving.

We're in a period of intense discernment - gleaning wisdom from those who know and love us.

We have peace even in this restless time.

Back to Work

2008-08-25T13:22:00.003-04:00

And, because some people have been asking, this is indeed my first day back to work at the seminary. I had tears in my eyes as I left for work at 6:30 this morning. I like work and I like my girls. Can't be in two places at once...

Which is where I feel like I am - - - two places at once. I've been somewhat living into two possible futures - both futures have exciting possibilities - both futures are complete with God's goodness. And I didn't realize until 2pm yesterday that there'd be a third future I'd have to live into for a day... the not-knowing-yet future.

God has given me such peace today. Thank you all for your prayers. Will post tonight.

Waiting...

2008-08-24T14:38:00.003-04:00

I thought I'd know the results of the vote at Harderwyk today already. The vote happened, but several members of the Council are out of town, and so I will not know the results of the vote until after the Council meets tomorrow evening.

Pray for patience and peace as the extra 30 hours feel a bit like an eternity.

It's in God's court...

2008-08-12T07:13:00.004-04:00

...well, it's always in God's court. :)

But an update on the Harderwyk situation. Last week was 'Harderwyk-week.' I had a congregational interview on Wednesday evening, August 6 and I preached from 2 Corinthians 4 on Sunday morning, August 10 (treasures in clay jars). (Both are online here.) In addition to these official interviews, I've had meetings with the pastors of the other two communities, the members of the Neighbors Plus board and the director of that non-profit, the worship coordinator, the chair and vice chair of council, the full council, the congregational leadership team. Needless to say, I haven't felt much like I'm on maternity leave. :)

But it has been a deep and good experience. The feedback that I've been receiving has been very encouraging. Most negative comments have had to do with my being a woman, a mom, and not having enough leadership experience. But the positive comments have been varied and nuanced. And the reception Tim and I and S&N received after the service on Sunday was warm and loving without being 'folksy.' I'm falling in love with these people.

Last night, the council met and voted to have a vote. The congregational vote is set for August 24. I return to work at the seminary on August 25.

Pray for clarity for us and for Harderwyk.

We trust that God has good things in store, no matter what.

A Second Date

2008-07-22T14:43:00.002-04:00

A couple of months ago, I blogged about a 'first date' I'd had with a church. After a process of continued discernment (the search committee's, the Council's, and Tim's and mine), I find myself the single candidate for the position of the Pastor of the Celebration Community of Harderwyk Ministries here in Holland (Harderwyk is a 126 year old church that is now made up of three congregations).

The 'second date' is on the horizon. It will involve preaching and leading a morning worship service and a congregational interview, among other things.

This position primarily includes two aspects: I would be responsible for the preaching and shepherding of the Celebration community and I would provide pastoral oversight for the diaconal ministries of all of the Harderwyk communities.

This post is rather news-y. Trust that there are all sorts of emotions and several conversations - with friends, with Tim, and with God - that are happening in our home and in our hearts. Tim and I are part of communities (Calvin Seminary and Faith CRC) that we love and that we'd leave if a call were extended and accepted. We appreciate the wisdom and encouragement of our colleagues and friends at both of these places of ministry.

It is strange and right to find myself in a 'discernment' process - a process that I've walked through with so many in the last three years as pastor for discernment at CTS. And yet - not so strange, I guess... the luxury of being a pastor for discernment is that I've been practicing this spiritual discipline on so many levels with so many situations... This is just one more opportunity (albeit a rather large one) to listen to my Creator, to trust in my Savior, and to walk in step with the Spirit.

soft like air

2008-07-21T20:30:00.003-04:00

You know how it feels when you put your finger in a glass of exactly room temperature water? It's such a strange sensation - - - there's a difference between the air and the water, but it's so small - you hardly notice it.

So it is with Naomi's skin. When I slowly touch her little arm, I can hardly tell the difference between the air and her skin. There's resistance, but no difference in texture.

She's soft like air.

Pictures for Daddy

2008-07-14T15:24:00.010-04:00

Tim is in Mexico on a mission trip. I told my mother-in-law as she left the house this morning that, thanks to her, I am not only sane, I'm relaxed. She helped out the last few days and my parents are heading to Holland tomorrow evening.

I'm posting a couple of pictures for Tim so that he can see his daughters from a distance...

Samara loves her letters

Samara and her friends in Naomi's crib.

Samara and her friends with their mommies.

Samara eating grapes while holding a picture of her and Daddy...
she was trying to feed Daddy the grapes.

Samara's hair today.

Naomi... Funny story: Grandma was singing 'Old MacDonald' Samara.

When she got to...'and on that farm he had a horse... with a Neigh-Neigh here and a Neigh-Neigh there...' Samara pointed to Naomi, who we often call 'Na-Ne' after NA(omi) (Re)NE. :-)

Samara 'reading' to Naomi.

Eyes like blueberries

2008-07-05T15:16:00.006-04:00

Grandpa and Grandma De Jonge came and celebrated the 4th of July with us yesterday. Samara was in heaven. She woke up from her nap to find two of her favorite people in the house. We ate good food (I even bought myself a food processor yesterday in order that I might make pesto from scratch!), we had good conversations about vocational possibilities, and Samara had lots of 'Gamma' and 'Gampa' love. She walked around outside with them, threw stones in a drain hole and even learned how to toss helicopter seeds into the air to watch them spin.

On a side note, I'm just now remembering that Uncle Robb told us that 'samara' is the technical name for those helicopter seeds... From Wikipedia: "A samara is a type of fruit in which a flattened wing of fibrous, papery tissue develops from the ovary wall... The shape of a samara enables the wind to carry the seed away from the parent tree..." That definition of her name will be so appropriate about 16 years from now... I'm writing her high school graduation card in my head as I type...

Anyway - a couple of my favorite moments from last night... Grandpa and Grandma getting roped in to singing 'The 12 Days of Christmas' to Samara (she has a book of this song that she insists we sing to her...) and the moment that Grandma told Samara that her eyes looked like blueberries.

The only times all night Samara wasn't smiling
was when we were taking her picture...
but there are the blueberry eyes. :-)

Too cute

2008-06-21T20:43:00.000-04:00

Samara's first sprinkler experience

Moments after Naomi's first bath

2008-06-21T20:09:00.001-04:00

Daddy's soothing hand

Exponential Love

2008-06-20T13:00:00.004-04:00

While pregnant with Naomi, I had the fleeting worry that - because I loved Samara so much - it would be difficult to share my heart with another child. I was assured by other moms and by my own experience of being loved-well-among-siblings by my own parents that your heart expands to include the new little one and there's always enough love to go around. I had no doubt this would happen for me. Even still, my heart caught as we said good bye to Samara last week Thursday at 5 minutes to noon. She was stuffing herself with mac and cheese; she hardly looked up to say good bye.

In the last seven days, I have remembered how to nurse and how to live on less sleep - as I expected. I've lost 25 pounds and gained - as I expected - a vast space inside to fill with love for Naomi. But here's what I didn't expect. I didn't expect my love for and delight in Samara to grow like it has. I am just as enamored with the newness of Samara as a sister-in-relationship-to-Naomi as I am with the newness of Naomi. Samara has become more her own person - more distinctly 'her' - because her own heart and world have expanded. And my love for Samara has grown. I figured there'd be room for Naomi - and I've been given that, plus even more room for Samara.

Thank you, God, for creating us to be in relationship... You must take such great joy in your children becoming more of who you've created them to be when they enter relationships with your other children. How vast your heart must be. O Love, how deep? How broad? How high? Beyond all thought and fantasy...

Naomi Rene

2008-06-16T14:11:00.011-04:00

Naomi Rene De Jonge
June 12, 2008; 5:32 pm
8 lbs, 2 oz; 20 1/2 inches long

Most people who read this blog are also connected to facebook and/or to Samara's Care Page... so, I'm guessing Naomi Rene's birth last week Thursday at 5:32 pm won't be news to most... But I figured I'd better document here...

Ah... It's been four days since labor began. I'd had a great week with Samara... waking up with her each morning, running around doing errands, reading books. Tim and I even squeezed a date night in on Tuesday evening... got a babysitter, went to a nice restaurant in downtown Holland and then to Ben and Jerry's for ice cream afterwards (chocolate dipped waffle cone; one scoop of chocolate mint; one scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough).

Right before our date on 6/10/08

I was going to be induced on Friday morning at 7am, but our doctor called to see if we could switch our induction time to Thursday afternoon instead. And then at 11am on Thursday morning, the hospital called saying that I could come in at noon already if I was ready. So, Tim and I had a little bit of the adrenaline rush that comes with packing last minute things quickly and getting the babysitter arranged at the 11th hour.

I got hooked up to the monitors before 12:15 - was told that I was having contractions already! My doctor broke my water at 12:15. Pitocin started at 1:00. I got an epidural at 4:00.

By 4:45, I was dilated to 7 and almost completely effaced - ready to push within a half an hour - and one push and a little bit later, Naomi Rene was born.

Tim got it all on video and I've watched it a couple of times. Wow.

I'm on the post partum emotional roller coaster. Yesterday, I cried a few times wondering how in the world I was ever going to do this and today I feel on top of the world (i.e., Saturday night = bad night of sleep; last night = great night of sleep).

A few moments I don't want to forget...

Just before it was time to push, the nurse spread a receiving blanket over my pregnant belly. That full expectation that she was on her way and would be outside instead of inside in a matter of moments was an unexpected moment of joy for me.

Saying 'Naomi' out loud for the first time after she was born... choking up each time we said her name to someone on the telephone. There's something so new and fresh and hopeful and true about a baby's name.

The first time Samara met Naomi. We've got this on video as well. She scooted right past me when she got into our room... no interest in giving me a hug. "Baby? Baby?" She looked all over for Naomi - and from the moment she laid eyes on her until now, Samara has been a verbal gushing fountain... using every word she knows to describe Naomi. She says, "Eyes, ears, knees, ankle, elbow, coughin', yawnin', cryin', head, hair, pants, hands, diaper, Baby, Baby, Baby." And I hear love.

Hugging Tim straight on instead of sideways. :-)

Riding out of the hospital in a wheel chair with Samara on my lap, Naomi in the car seat in Daddy's arms. Breathing the air of a world that now holds Naomi - breathing the life of the God that holds Naomi.

Carrying Samara in all of her toddler-ness post Naomi's birth... She seems to have aged three months in this last week.

And now - because Samara is waking up from her nap, I'm going to close this post off... and thank you all for your prayers, excitement, and joy...

A grinning Naomi - pic taken 15 minutes ago: 6/16/08

Samara Week

2008-06-08T20:02:00.007-04:00

I've been so anxious (read: excited and curious) about Bee Bo's birth... ready for it, waiting for it, hoping for it. I walked 22 miles last week trying to get things going.

And now the end is in sight. If I don't go into labor by Friday morning at 7am, my doctor has scheduled an induction. So, Bee Bo will be born this weekend - if not before. (No, I'm not overdue - my due date is June 13. Yes, I know that for some this sounds invasive/not natural - but this is the route we're going.)

Anyway - knowing that I have five more days until Bee Bo is born has given me a whole new perspective. I'm looking forward to this week with Samara. My maternity leave has started and Samara and I are just going to enjoy mommy/Mara time. We kicked the week off with matching pigtails and lots of cuddly pictures this morning...

Love you, Mara! Looking forward to a fun week with you!

Imm(i/a)nence

2008-05-29T14:52:00.006-04:00

Me with Jenna Brandsen at her graduation party on 5/27.

If Bee Bo were to have been born at the same point in the pregnancy that Samara was born at, she would be three days old - and so, I am officially more pregnant than I've ever been.

So, I haven't been in this physical space before, but I also haven't been in this mental space before - the imminent space.

When Samara was born 2.5 weeks early, I was completely shocked. I hadn't thought it possible for me to go early, but then my water broke and there she was. Now, I know that it's possible and so June 13 seems like a long ways away and Bee Bo's birth feels much more imminent than Samara's ever did. So, I'm living between the now and the not yet with this dual sense of 'any time now!' and 'keep yourself busy or you'll drive yourself crazy!'

The immanent one - whose presence inside I feel all the time - is imminent - so much so I can almost taste it.

Oh that I would experience and long for the Immanent Imminent One with as much excitement and curiosity.

Mother's Day / Pentecost

2008-05-15T20:27:00.004-04:00

I spent my second Mother's Day on a 'first date'... (here's the explanation of my cryptic reference to important engagements in a post below)... not with a man, but with a church.

A couple of months ago, I was approached by a head of a search committee at a church. He started talking to me about a position that was open at his church and I listened with the kind of ear I normally listen with - which is half-an-ear. Normally, I get asked by search committees and members of vacant churches if I know anyone at the seminary who might be qualified for/interested in the open position they have. This conversation was different; he asked me if I would be interested. I told him to back up and start the conversation over. This kind of inquiry has come my way only once before and I was in no position to be interested at that point, so I asked him to repeat himself so that I could listen with a full ear - with both ears.

Long story short - they've narrowed their search and I am one of the applicants they're considering. I'm in a great place. I love my current job - Tim is content as well in his position - and yet we're open to possibilities - and this is a possibility.

My 'first date' (their words, not mine) with the church consisted of six meetings with six groups of people over the course of 26 hours - and then I preached this past Sunday. I have no idea where this will go. Although the word is that I was well-received, I'm not counting any chickens at all - I'm living and working as though my first date was just that and nothing more. And I'm praying for them as they 'see other people.'

Sunday was Mother's Day and Pentecost. I preached from Ephesians 3...

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I wouldn't have had to have included a reference to Mom's Day in my sermon (not a big fan of Hallmark in the church), but as a pregnant mom in a congregation mostly made up of people over 50 - a congregation that has only ever heard one other woman preach, I did indeed finish my sermon with a bit of a dip into 'mystical motherhood'...

Christ frees you to live your lives apart from sin. Just as surely as water washes dirt from the body, so certainly has the blood of Jesus cleansed you of your sin. Christ forms you into his likeness. Just as surely as the bread nourishes our bodies, so certainly does Christ nourish us by his body to live in the form of Christ. And, Christ fills you now and always with his fullness. If a mother can be a symbol of grace today – just as surely as my womb is filled with a living, moving child, so certainly has your spirit been formed to be filled with the living, moving Holy Spirit.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Samara in a year...

2008-05-08T16:38:00.002-04:00

A little video that I want to keep a constant link to on my blog because I love, love, love it:

Click here for The Lord's Prayer.

Thanks for sending it my way, Mom!!

the providential ... cough?

2008-05-08T15:43:00.002-04:00

Tim and I often talk about Samara's 'providential cold.' It's the cold/sore throat she and I both had on December 4, 2006 that brought her and Tim to the pediatrician's office which led to the pediatrician giving her a thorough exam which led to his observation of her distended abdomen which led to an ultrasound which led to a CT scan which led to the beginning of her healing from cancer.

We thank God for that cold... and I like to give partial credit to a friend of mine whom I'd seen the day before. She was gracious enough to keep from hugging me in order that I might not get sick, but she may have gotten just close enough to give us the 'providential cold.' I thank her and God for it.

Tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, and Sunday morning, I have several important engagements which I may or may not blog about in the future, depending on what happens... and last night, I started coughing... a dry, hacking cough = unattractive and feeling like the edge of a greater sickness. I haven't had a cough in months! Why now?

The more I think about it, the more I simply rest in the fact that God knows what God is doing - and when colds come our way, there may be a very good reason for them.

I trust that God's power is made perfect in my weakness, and if a cough is what I need to remind me that I'm dependent on God and not on myself through this weekend, then I thank God for this providential cough.

And now Samara is waking up from her nap - - - coughing. :-? Better go...

in our sundresses

2008-05-08T15:37:00.003-04:00

Samara and I on a super-hot day in the sundresses we'd just bought: orange sherbet yummy and a maternity mu'umu'u (had to look this one up to see how to spell it - so much for being a regional spelling be champion in 1989).

Kissing Chicken

2008-05-04T20:18:00.002-04:00

Sometimes funny little things happen and I think - I should blog about that - and then I don't. So, this isn't a significant post, but just a funny thing from tonight.

Samara doesn't like meat.

She loves it.

And by loves it, I don't mean that she eats it.

I mean that tonight, she pulled apart the chicken/cranberry wreath pieces that I'd put on her plate, daintily picked up a piece of chicken, and kissed it: "Mmmm-wah!" and then gave it to me.

She did the same with a spider the other day. It was crawling along the carpet. She hunkered down really close said, "hugging" - her word for 'I love you and feel affection for you'... and then made her kissing noise, after which Tim rescued the spider from Samara's love and 'brought it outside.'

My little vegetarian...

If every one of them were written down...

2008-04-02T13:24:00.007-04:00

To make room for BeeBo, Tim and I undertook the task of bringing all of our books into one room while Samara slept on Saturday...

These aren't all of them... some are in Tim's study at church - some in mine at school - some in those closed boxes you see on the carpet/chairs... But, it felt like a lot of books, especially since we were trying to organize them...

Tim and I had different organizing methods. I wanted to just start with a stack and make categories as I went. Tim wanted to draw a category like a magnet over the entire mess. We made do. It took 3-4 hours. S woke up in the midst of it all... "Buck? Buck?!" Yes, Samara, there are 'Bucks' all over the place. Don't rip them.

Anyway - we managed to get all of these bucks into 20 or so boxes... 3 to try to sell at the seminary used book sales and a couple boxes we might have to pay people to take:

And 17 to put on shelves in our downstairs study when we finish our basement someday:

When finished we were exhausted...

And then the gospel was read at the seminary's daily celebration of Matins on Monday morning:

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. John 21:25

All of my knowledge in these neat stacks of boxes...

And the things Jesus - would fill the whole world.....

Wow.

And for those of you who know that the invisible subtitle of this blog is Image-of-God-in-Samara Watcher, here are some pics.

Daddy takes pictures of my hair when he tries to do it.

My hair post-pigtails.

Berlin and Edinburgh

2008-03-25T20:51:00.017-04:00

Haven't posted in nearly a month! But... of course... many know that this is because our wee family took a non-wee vacation over the sea to visit...

Uncle Mike (Samara-speak: 'My!'):

A mango shake

Aunt Noel and Esther (Samara-Speak: some form of vocalized sticking out of tongue and 'Eh-er'):

Fiona and Brian (Samara-Speak: 'Vee' and 'Bye'):

Edinburgh Castle

Tim and I climbed this monument:

Sir Walter Scott Monument

Tim wore this hat:

A Jimmy Hat

We saw this gate:

Brandenburg Gate

We ordered pizza from this place:

Samara ate...

Shoko-Vanille Hoernchen

Ordered...

Italian Cafe in Berlin

Rode lots of public transportation...

A bus in Edinburgh

Spent lots of time 'burrito-ed' in her stroller:

Thanks, Asparagus!

Loved church...

New Haven Church in Edinburgh

Looked cute...

The sign for 'bath'

We had a rich and full time. And now... it's good to be home.

I was also going to post about the silent retreat I took this weekend... but that's for a later time... Need to watch the American Idol summary a minute... :)

Samara and Aletha

2008-02-27T11:49:00.002-05:00

Watching Samara with Aletha assures me that the up-and-coming sister-love, although tumultuous at times, I'm sure, will be filled with moments of quiet joy...

Samara and Aletha

Samara LOVES Gideon

2008-02-26T21:38:00.002-05:00

Samara and I just got back from a great few days with Tracy, Robb, Aletha, Derek, and, of course, Gideon. Stay tuned for a video of Samara 'holding' Aletha... in the meantime, a short video of Samara laughing as hard as she's ever laughed... at Gideon. Never mind that two minutes after this interchange, Gideon managed to plow her into a bookcase creating a huge goose egg. Another two minutes later and Samara was chasing him around again. :) Her first love...

Samara Laughing at Gideon

A video of my niece...

2008-02-19T06:36:00.002-05:00

Here's Aletha Reid...

(Uncle Derek is running the camera, his friend Rachel is holding Aletha initially, and Mommy Tracy stars in the diaper change/burp cloth segments)

A Dance and A Song

2008-02-14T14:06:00.002-05:00

Enjoy this video...

The first bit is from a couple of weeks ago. Samara had been dancing around like a goof for several minutes. I was laughing so hard I was crying... Of course, when I turned the camera on she became less ridiculous, but it's still a cute clip. We'll say this dance is in honor of her very first cousin: Aletha Reid Keizer - born after 27 hours of labor on Tuesday morning, February 12, 2:21am.

The second bit: a singing telegram. :-) Happy Valentine's Day.

A Dance and A Song

Some things aren't meant to be tried hard

2008-02-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

My devotional book, A Guide To Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants by Rueben P. Job and Norman Shawchuck, had this to say to me the other day:

Merton once told me to quit trying so hard in prayer. He said: "How does an apple ripen? It just sits in the sun." A small green apple cannot ripen in one night by tightening all its muscles, squinting its eyes and tightening its jaw in order to find itself the next morning miraculously large, red, ripe and juicy beside its small green counterparts. Like the birth of a baby or the opening of a rose, the birth of the true self takes place in God's time. We must wait for God, we must be awake; we must trust in his hidden action within us.

Merton's Palace of Nowhere, by James Finley

I've been thinking about prayer more often than usual because of the Spiritual Formation class that I'm taking at the Dominican Center... and so this comment complements my learning.

But I also include these words here because of my dear sister, who is waiting for her baby to be born. She is officially due tomorrow, but, in her words, she feels four months overdue. She's tried it all: mall-walking amongst the Friday night teeny-boppers to eggplant with parmesan cheese and everything in between.

Dearest Tracy... I'm trusting the hidden action that is within you and within me... praying that God's time comes soon! You're ripe enough... :-)

Love you.

An extra hug

2008-01-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

Samara usually doesn't cry after we put her to bed. Tonight - 15 minutes post-lay-down - she started crying. I figured she had lost her lovey over the side of the crib, so I went in to retrieve it... but instead of standing at the edge of her crib, pointing down forlornly at the dropped blanket, she was just laying there, whimpering. I went to her, rearranged her blankets - and then she lifted her arms to me.

She just wanted an extra hug.

Awwww....

I hugged her and found a latest favorite stuffed animal - a tiny penguin - to tuck in with her.

Sleep tight, sweet one.

And on a totally unrelated note - a black velvety maternity outfit that I bought secondhand turned my skin totally gray today. ?!?!

Death

2008-01-17T13:44:00.001-05:00

Tim and I read together 5-7 minutes a night. He reads on odd numbered nights and the 31st days of odd months. I read on even numbered nights and the 31st days of even months. I think we even have a system worked out for leap years... :)

Right now we're reading The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.

Last night, Tim read the telling of the death of a child from the perspective of her sister - who rarely speaks, but who is a philosopher and a poet and a lover of palindromes in her quiet. I share this with you because it is a haunting and vivid and true description of death, I think. And for some reason, it brought me to tears and tears and tears. Tim called it, my 'first good cry of 2008.'

I was not present at [her] birth but I have seen it now, because I saw each step of it played out in reverse at the end of her life. The closing parenthesis, at the end of the palindrome that was [she]. Her final gulp of air as hungry as a baby's first breath. That last howling scream, exactly like the first, and then at the end a fixed, steadfast moving backward out of this world. After the howl, wide-eyed silence without breath. Her bluish face creased with a pressure closing in, the near proximity of the other-than-life that crowds down around the edges of living. Her eyes closed up tightly, and her swollen lips clamped shut. Her spine curved, and her limbs drew in more and more tightly until she seemed impossibly small. While we watched without comprehension, she moved away to where none of us wanted to follow. [She] shrank back through the narrow passage between this brief fabric of light and all the rest of what there is for us: the long waiting. Now she will wait the rest of the time. It will be exactly as long as the time that passed before she was born.

I guess this tale of death made me confront how passionately I do not want Samara to die. As loosely as I try to hold her, my love for her and my hope for her long life is fierce. Tim calmed my sobs last night with a litany of all of the things that Samara has yet to experience: "Samara will die after you," he said. "She is going to become a teenaged driver and she'll get married. You will be the mother of the bride. And then she'll have babies and you'll be a grandma. And then we'll die and Samara will have grandchildren of her own."

Of course, he cannot promise me these things - but this likely story was a salve for my fearful heart.

If I hope for anything specific in Samara's life -however long or short - I hope that Samara will love God.

But even if she never reaches the age of knowing - cognitively - the One who made her and loves her with more passion and ferocity than her mother - she is a child of the covenant - held by the God who watches her and keeps her. And I believe there is a 'knowing' that is deeper and more mysterious than the knowing that precedes commitment...

Shamar-YHWH

Footage

2008-01-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

Apparently Aunt Tracy and Uncle Derek were dining together the other evening and commented that they hadn't seen any video of Samara lately... Here are is way too much footage of Samara learning to eat with a fork and a spoon... for all who are going through withdrawal (sorry for the 'smushed carrot', Bess).

Samara eating with a fork and spoon

And some cute pics!

Oh, no you're not going to get my carrot!

Bee Bo

2007-12-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

First, a little video of our talker-talker:

Samara 'on the phone'

And then.... introducing BEE BO!!

(Bee Bo does have legs, by the way... they're just moving too much!)

Tim and I got a sneak peek at little Bee Bo this morning. The Lakeshore Pregnancy Center in Holland is training technicians in ultrasound equipment. They were looking for 'models' and we signed up. So, here he/she is! Bee Bo was moving all over the place... Not being able to feel him/her yet, this was amazing to me. What a window on my child's little world... And to think, even when I can't see or feel Bee Bo, Bee Bo is living, moving, dancing.

As was Christ, in the womb of his mother...

As is God with us - even when we can't see God - even when we're not paying God particular attention. God is living, moving and dancing.

And in the thin places, the window places, the ultra-sounds and ultra-sights of God's presence make us laugh and cry and hope.

"My deepest vocation
is to be a witness to the glimpses of God
I have been allowed to catch.”
Henri Nouwen

Please pray for the family of our young friend, Ali Aardema, who died this morning. May there be windows for her family and friends today and in the weeks to come.

Layton and Samara

2007-12-11T19:29:00.001-05:00

This morning, I woke up sad. Sometimes anniversary days don't really get to me. This one did. I had a hard time concentrating this morning at work. I called Tim and cried. I called Ruth, Layton's mom, to see how she was doing today. I was trying to read a book on spiritual mentoring and I was reading words without comprehending. I was listening to some lovely version of 'Blackbird singin' in the dead of night...' from a compilation CD Tracy made me for my birthday a few years ago. And it hit me. A poem. I need to write a poem about today. I already posted it on Samara's care page, but I want it recorded here as well. It didn't take long to write...

The love of my heart.
The fruit of my womb.

On the same long advent day strung apart by years,
you both lay in the same building.

Whirring machines breathing your breath and beating your heart -
A whirring machine looking inside you

as you slept an unnatural sleep.

"He's going."
"She has cancer."

I'll never forget what you felt like in my arms that day.

How warm you were.
How heavy you were.
How still you were.
How light you were.

I lost you that day.
I thought I was losing you that day.

I let you go... into the Father's keeping.

And now you dance and have your being in a place or time or dimension
so far away, or perhaps so close?
Perhaps as close as you - who dance in winter boots
and holiday dress by the Christmas tree.

A saint above.

A saint below.

You are healed.

O Child of God, I miss you. And I will see you someday...
O Child of God, I miss you.
And I will see you this afternoon, after work.

Your mothers' arms long to hold you
on this long advent day.

I'll never forget what you felt like in my arms that day.

How warm you were.
How heavy you were.
How still you were.
How light you were.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

This picture was taken a year ago today,
just after her CT scan and just before we found out Samara had cancer.
Around my neck, I'm wearing Layton's wedding ring -
- as I do every December from the 8th until the 11th.

Two Memes

2007-12-07T19:49:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged twice in the last while... Long ago by Meika in a Thanksgiving meme... so that one first... Two things I am thankful for:

1. A surface thing: Christmas lights. With a toddly toddler we almost didn't put up our tree this year, but I am so glad we did. I had been looking with longing in other peoples' windows and so Tim conceded and we put it up on the one night this week that he didn't have an evening church meeting or event. I don't know what it is about lights... I guess they make me think of being warm when it's cold or they make me remember my little brother trying to blow them out... and blue Christmas lights make me think of blue butter cream frosting. I like light in darkness - the reality and the metaphor... which is usually still a reality.

2. A deep below the surface thing: Bee Bo. For those of you who have Sandra Boynton's Belly Button book, you'll know that's the tiny hippo way of saying, "Belly Button." And for those of you who read Samara's Care Page, you'll know that Bee Bo is also the name we've given our second child... due to be born in June. I am so thankful for this little one. Waiting waiting waiting...

And speaking of advent - - - the advent song meme Erica just tagged me in. Five favorite advent songs...

1. Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming - singing it with Tim, Mom, and Stephanie...
2. O Come, O Come Immanuel - Samara's favorite song last year... we sang it to her through many scary times - in her fear - in our fear
3. For You, O Lord, My Soul in Stillness Waits - sang it this morning in Matins at CTS
4. Christus Paradox - from a funeral nearly 7 years ago
5. Silent Night - sung with Layton - 7 years ago tonight - standing in our kitchen - the night before the accident silenced his earthly voice - until the new earth.

The Thanksgiving meme is kind of overdue... so I'll just tag one person in this Advent Song Meme: Betsy

A peanut allergy!

2007-11-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

So, I missed some memos. Apparently eating peanut butter during pregnancy isn't a great idea, nor is feeding one's child peanut butter before her second birthday a great idea. Not to say that avoiding peanut butter would have necessarily prevented what Tim and I discovered yesterday, but, still... these memos would have been helpful.

Here's the story:

Samara has stopped liking her meaty baby food. Don't blame her. It's completely unsalted. Because the texture of real meat doesn't appeal to her either, we thought we'd get some protein in her via peanut butter.

When I dropped Samara off at Tim's mom's yesterday, she said, "So, what is Samara eating lately?"

"Anything!" I said.

"Anything? Even peanut butter?" said Mom.

"Sure! We've got to get protein in her somehow." (Additional note: she hates beans and is not a fan of eggs either.)

When I got back to pick Samara up, she was eating peanut butter. Halfway home while scarfing down an M&M McFlurry and trying to explain to Samara that I wasn't going to be able to feed her any because driving 75 mph and spoon gymnastics don't mix, I noticed splotches all over her face.

An hour or so later, Samara had splotches all over her entire body. She wasn't wheezing or anything. Just splotchy.

"Sounds like Samara has a peanut allergy," our pediatrician said.

So, we gave her Benadryl... I have to pick an epi-pen up from the pharmacy later today in case of accidental exposure. Apparently, multiple exposures can result in ever-worsening symptoms.
I'm not sure how to react to this. I'm less concerned that she's going to die from a peanut allergy, and more concerned that she's going to be the kid in the classroom that makes it so that no other kid can have PB&J sandwiches.

No more peanuts for my little peanut.

Go, State!

2007-11-01T08:17:00.000-04:00

The Michigan State costume Tim found at a garage sale this summer fit Samara perfectly last night. We carted her around to a few houses just to show off how cute she was. Okay, so I had a '3 Musketeers' and an 'Almond Joy'. :-)

Isn't she cute?!

A non-cancer X-ray

2007-10-30T20:03:00.000-04:00

A couple of Sundays ago (I do believe it was the industrious and cheerful Sunday - see below), Samara went down for her nap with a little clip in her hair. You know - a clip like one of these, but smaller. And pink.

When she woke up from her nap, the clip was no longer in her hair. And it was nowhere to be found in or around her crib. We pulled her room apart. No clip!

We concluded that she must have swallowed it. I was inspired to blog about this after reading Meika's Billy Goat Gruff post. Chloe seems to be even more of an omnivore than Samara. And Meika and Mike seem to be a touch less paranoid than Samara's parents... as I notice that they have not yet taken Chloe into the hospital for an x-ray. :0/

According to the x-ray that was taken the day after the possible clip-snack-nap, the clip was not lodged anywhere in her esophagus or her stomach... Nor did we find it during any of our elimination-inspections. We have ceased to worry about the little clip.

The perils of trying to keep Samara from being called a boy!

The Toddler Nursery

2007-10-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

I dropped Samara off in the toddler nursery yesterday morning - for she is definitely a toddler! Bigger nursery, bigger toys, bigger kids - all for my bigger girl.

When Tim picked her up from the nursery, one of the attendants for the day said that she was both industrious and cheerful. Tim thought this description an amusing combination of adjectives.

Here is the Calvinist Cadet Code:

A Cadet is Reverent, Obedient, Compassionate, Consecrated, Trustworthy, Pure, Grateful, Loyal, Industrious and Cheerful.

:-) I'm proud of our girl - and pleased that others are already seeing her virtues. My little cadet.

Weekend at Tracy's

2007-10-08T17:43:00.001-04:00

This weekend, Samara had her first (and second) plane ride(s), her first trip to the zoo, her first unencumbered encounter with gravel, her first extended exposure to a dog, and her first Thai restaurant experience.

Here are some of her moments. Oh the joy of seeing the world through her eyes.

Polar Bears, Gravel, and Gideon

Thanks, Aunt Tracy, Uncle Robb, Uncle Derek (and 'cousin' Gideon - the Weimaraner), for a great weekend!!

Look, Mom! No hands!

2007-09-29T19:53:00.000-04:00

Finally.... Finally finally finally Samara has decided that she can really walk without holding on to our fingers! Just in these last couple of days she's really taken off and we love it. Of course, that means that we're running around moving things, putting things higher up, closing doors, etc. But - whew! Our backs aren't breaking anymore. And she loves it. As you will be able to see from this video.

Samara Really Walking

Hugging

2007-09-28T13:28:00.000-04:00

Tim left for Alpha last night while I was feeding Samara her supper. Before he left, I stood up and gave him a hug - a longish hug with a couple of kisses... and then we turned and looked at Samara. Her head was swiveled around so she could see us from her high chair. And she was looking at us. Absolutely fascinated. Smiling a bit - but mainly, just intrigued. Many things ran through my head:

1. Tim and I don't hug each other as much as we used to.
2. When we do hug, it's usually not in front of Samara - because Samara is usually in the arms of one as the other is leaving.
3. There's lots of affection in our house - but most of it is directed at Samara.
4. It's good for Samara to see (appropriate) affection between her mommy and daddy.
5. I like hugging my husband.

Samara should have no doubt in her mind that we love her loads and loads. That little half-smile on Samara's face as Tim and I gave each other a big hug reminded me and convinced me that it's also good for her to see how much her mommy and daddy love each other.

Tim and I in Hawaii at the beginning of my pregnancy.

I LOVE YOU, TIM!

"Guppy"

2007-09-26T20:04:00.000-04:00

My sister, Tracy, is pregnant and due on Valentine's Day... Here is Robb and Tracy's beautiful gender neutral baby (they tried to find out the gender yesterday, but the umbilical cord was in the way!):

Yay!!! I can't wait to be an aunt. It will be so different from being a mom...

What not to do while giving a chapel talk at a high school

2007-09-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

This morning I gave a chapel talk at a local Christian high school. I entered my subject matter - listening to God - by means of several illustrations of how not to go about attempting to listen to God. These illustrations were taken from my personal life - more specifically - from the context of a relationship of which I am not very proud.

An approach to discerning God's will that I advised the students against was that of randomly opening the Bible, pointing to a verse and trying to stretch that verse into some type of perfect advice for one's life. As I was preparing the talk I decided that in the chapel, I would randomly pick a verse and then try to apply it - as if I were replaying my younger self's attempts to twist Scripture into a defense of my tawdry relationship. Early this morning I even practiced this randomness. I opened my Bible to verses here and there and I could imagine how I might in-the-moment apply each verse to the situation that I would be painting for them.

I don't know what I was thinking - practicing the randomness. You can't practice randomness! Read on.

The chapel talk was moving along fine... So, the kids hadn't laughed at my version of Gideon's fleece. ("God, if you want me to break up with so-and-so, may I wake up tomorrow morning with a zit on the tip of my nose." The next morning I woke up with zits at the centers of my forehead, upper lip and chin - but not on the tip of my nose.) So what... Perhaps I'd find a real doozy of a verse to try to stretch into my story...

And what a doozy my finger landed on. Now, you'd think that I might have skimmed the verse first before I launched into reading it out loud in front of 500 kids. But, no... my finger landed on Jeremiah 3:2, and I just started reading:

Look up to the barren heights and see.
Is there any place where you have not been ravished?
By the roadside you sat waiting for lovers,
sat like a nomad in the desert.
You have defiled the land
with your prostitution and wickedness.

No one laughed at this point either. Except for me.

You see, this would not have been an inappropriate verse for the Spirit to send my way at that point in my life... Of course, I wasn't going to get into this with the high schoolers. (I think I skipped the last half of the verse and moved quickly on into the rest of the talk - which went fine from there on out.)

I guess the moral of the story is, don't be too quick to tell the Spirit (and others) how the Spirit doesn't communicate.

The cakes that were

2007-09-11T20:16:00.000-04:00

Here, now, is a picture of the cakes that I salvaged and frosted and served to Samara and her friends and family at her birthday party.

And a pic of Samara having her cake and eating it, too.

And, FYI, for those of you who weren't sure (i.e., my Mom), the pile of pink stuff in the middle of the cake that wasn't (below), is the balled up, useless pink fondant. I smashed the cakes together with the bubblegum tasting and texture-ing gunk and plunked a candle on the top only for the purposes of that picture. And, honestly, the cake failing so miserably was almost as good as if it would have gone perfectly.

The cake that wasn't

2007-09-07T19:22:00.000-04:00

My mom always let us pick a cake out of the Betty Crocker Cookbook for our birthdays. The one that I remember best was some sort of candy house... with Necco wafers for shingles. So, I got it into my head that I wanted to make a cake for Samara's birthday. I bought a book from Barnes and Noble called, Quick and Easy Kids' Cakes. HA!

I paged through the book and found the cake I most wanted to make for Samara's party. A three tier cake - a beautiful stack of presents... frosted with fondant. I kept thinking... I like to bake, I know how to follow directions, the book said this was easy... I can do it!

After a few emails and a phone call to my friend, Emily, whose family owned a bakery for a long time, and an expensive trip to Hobby Lobby, I felt ready to go. Sure, I was a little nervous about the fondant... people kept telling me that was tough stuff. And I was a little confused by cake baking instructions (the pans the book told me to get - apparently - don't exist in West Michigan). The cake decorator that I met in the aisle of Hobby Lobby seemed a bit amused with me when I showed her the picture of what I wanted to do. She said, "You know, there's some piping tips here... where is it, oh yes, #12, #21... if you just use these and start on the outside of a cupcake and go in, it looks great! It will look so professional!"

I didn't want to make cupcakes with swirls of frosting on top! I wanted to make the gorgeous fondant three tier present cake!!

I documented this process...

All the stuff I bought:

Trying to bake a tiny cake in a baked bean can on Thursday night after Samara was in bed (it took three tries):

Finally, all the cakes are baked and wrapped up and ready to be iced tomorrow...

I rose early on Friday morning to start making the fondant... Look! I'm following the directions:

I got home from work, and after realizing that I hadn't made enough fondant, I went through several phases of wondering how in the world I was going to save this situation...

And only at the very, very end did I give up entirely. Here is a picture of the cake that wasn't.

And here is what I thought I was going to end up with:

After saying "I told you so" in the nicest way possible (and thanks to all of you who didn't tell me so at all), Tim reminded me that the main point of tomorrow's birthday party is not the cake, but Samara.

So, I've salvaged the wreckage of my first cake-decorating attempt... and frosted the mess with some yummy butter frosting (the only thing that book was any good for)... Tomorrow there will be two little non-tiered cakes-- and some cupcakes. But most importantly, there will be Samara... beautiful and one.

And now for something completely different...

2007-09-04T20:15:00.001-04:00

Here is a picture of Samara and her LONG hair spiked out everywhere after her bath last night. :-)

and a video of Samara meeting Meika's daughter, Chloe Weiss.

Samara meets Chloe Weiss

My super-smart cousins

2007-08-24T08:55:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm not surprised. Kevin and Daryl have always been really intelligent participants in extended family life - so has their sister, Valerie. And now they're doing it - they're making a name for themselves... more importantly, they're taking care of the earth by building power plants to convert cow manure into usable energy in Northwest Washington.

Check out the story here.

Way to go, cousins. (Notice the shirt Kevin is wearing in this picture. Woo-hoo Dordt Concert Choir!!)

The perpetuation of danger

2007-08-23T14:47:00.000-04:00

The last time I met with my spiritual director, Sister Virginia, we talked about finding God in the normal... in the ordinary. She spoke to me of how God is present in each moment - not just in the moments of prayer or in the moments of reading Scripture. God is there in ... for lack of a more recent example... the baking of the pear cheddar pie ... in the de-clogging of the shower drain. These can be holy moments, too.

As I reflect on this reality here, I am not trying to make an excuse for posting endless pictures of my daughter on a blog entitled, 'God Watcher' - although I suppose I could make that argument based upon the 'God-is-in-the-ordinary' premise. Rather, I'm trying to understand my spiritual life - my journey with God over the last decade.

I have felt close to God in the mountaintops of marriage and graduation and Samara's birth. But I have felt closest to God in the valleys of the shadow of death and of cancer. When someone asks me to tell my story, to share my testimony, what stories do I tell? I tell the story of losing Layton and how God was with me. I tell the story of Samara being diagnosed with cancer and how God was with me. I am used to tragedy. I know best how to relate to God (struggling, crying, listening) in the midst of the catastrophic.

This is a picture of Layton's car after it was hit nearly seven years ago now.

This picture is a representation of the life I am used to. I am most familiar with the God who rescues me from this kind of tragedy.

But how do I relate to God when life is not wild and dark? Who is God and who am I when life is plain as the plains? When life is Vanilla instead of Rocky Road?

I talked about this the other day with a colleague of mine, who is also a spiritual director. She shared with me this quote from a book she's currently reading: "Legacy of the Heart" by Wayne Muller, 1992, Simon & Schuster.

The Perpetuation of Danger

The problem is this: Skills learned in danger require the presence of danger to be effective. If our greatest skill is getting ourselves out of trouble, then we are at our best when we have discovered some trouble to get out of. In a strange way we feel safer in fear and danger than we do in tranquility, because we know how to survive danger. We have no idea how to manage peace.

How do I manage peace? When the wind stops blowing... how do God and I spend time together?

This is what I'm learning and how I'm growing right now.

How about you?

Pear Cheddar Pie Recipe

2007-08-23T10:53:00.000-04:00

.
Fruit Filling
4 large ripe pears - peeled and cut into pieces
1/3 c. sugar
1 T. corn starch
1/8 t. salt

Combine and pour into unbaked pie shell

Topping
1/4 c. softened margarine
1/2 c. shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 c. flour
1/4 c. sugar
1/4 t. salt

Crumble on top of fruit filling

Bake with foil around edges at 425 for 15-20 minutes
Remove foil and bake for additional 10-15 minutes

Pear Pie and the bowels of my shower

2007-08-21T20:49:00.000-04:00

I like baking. And tonight, after Samara was in bed, I made a pear pie. Crust from scratch - cut up four pears that had been ripening in a brown paper bag on my counter... A cheddar, butter, flour, sugar crumbly topping... And then it was into the oven at 425 for 30 minutes...

Thirty minutes... what to do with thirty minutes? Hm. The shower needs cleaning.

A little history: my mother is a CLEANER (hi, mom). She cleans the house top-to-bottom every Saturday. As children, we helped her clean. I have always loved a clean house.

One of my summertime jobs in high school/early college was to serve as a housekeeper in the retirement center I'd worked in as a hostess for several years prior. I got to know certain cleaning products and certain cleaning methods.

My poor roommates in college had to live with me: the cleaning-Nazi. Every week the apartment HAD to be cleaned. Kitchen. Bathroom. Dusting. Vacuuming. No exceptions. And we had to use certain cleaning products and certain cleaning methods.

I carried this once-a-week cleaning habit into my first marriage. Every once in a while I think back with a little longing... to my super clean little house in Prinsburg, Minnesota. Pristinely cleaned - top-to-bottom - every Saturday.

Skip ahead several years.

I got pregnant.

Cleaning changed from a once-a-week priority to a once-every-other-week priority to a once-month-priority to hmmm.... I can't remember the last time I really cleaned the house.

And the shower? While pregnant, I used the dangerous-fumes excuse to get Tim to clean the shower. Thanks, Love. I hate cleaning the shower.

When Samara was born, my mom came to visit. And she cleaned the shower.

When Samara was diagnosed with cancer and she was admitted to the hospital, a super-wonderful woman/friend from our church offered to clean our house.

I said yes.

And she is still cleaning our house.

Once Samara was declared cancer-free, I begged to be put on her list of clients. We pay her to clean our house and she does a fantastic job.

But - and I don't blame her at all for this - the shower has not had a good, deep cleaning in a long while.

So, tonight - during my thirty minutes - I decided to tackle the shower.

Oh my goodness. I'll get right to the gross part - because I want to relax with Tim for a bit before bed - but I started wiping down the floor and there were a few hairs coming out of the drain... I started pulling... and before long I was yanking out gobs and gobs of AHCK-&#*$)(*!* with a screwdriver... almost crying. I felt like I was on Fear Factor.

Here is a picture of Tim doing the same task last summer. I think we'll do this more than once a year in the future.

My pear pie is finished. My hands are raw from harsh chemicals. My shower is clean. I've told you all the story, so I can let go of it now. Thanks for listening.

Christ Pantocrator

2007-08-17T19:44:00.001-04:00

Tim and I have this icon of Christ in our house: Christ Pantocrator. The original is located in the monastery of St. Catherine at the foot of Mt. Sinai.

A friend gave this icon to me after my first husband died. The reason it meant so much to me then - and means so much to me now - is because of the asymmetry of Jesus' face: the divine side and the human side. Or, as I so often thought as I gazed at this picture: the side of God that triumphed over my grief and the side of God whose heart broke with mine in my grief.

Samara has often reached towards this icon. I hold her up to it and she touches it and smiles.

The first time she did this was a long time ago. I was holding Samara; she reached for the icon. I said, "Samara, that's Jesus. You don't know who he is yet." And Tim, from the couch, said, "Maybe she does."

And I wondered at those simple words with the sting of tears in my eyes and nose, if Jesus hadn't perhaps come to our little one in some way - in her dreams or in the dark - to bring her comfort.

And then tonight, Samara reached for Jesus again. I held her up to the icon. She slapped the wood. I said to Tim, "She really likes Jesus." And Tim said, "Jesus really likes her."

The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus was irate and let them know it: "Don't push these children away. Don't ever get between them and me. These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in." Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them.

Mark 10:13-16 (The Message)

Jogging!

2007-08-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

A very, very long time ago, I ran a 25K - the Fifth Third Riverbank Run. Tim and I ran it together - fell in love training for it. We never would have done it had it not been for our dear friend Erica suggesting we train - and so (as one thing led to another) she has often joked that we owe her our firstborn. I think we're both content with our own firstborns and so Zora and Samara will stay with their rightful mommies and daddies - but I digress.

Anyway - Tim's knee was never the same after that 25K - and so jogging slipped out of our lives. I returned to my exercise of choice: Tae Bo. I have nearly worn out my Billy tapes and a 3' x 4' square of carpet in our living room jumping around, sweatin' it out. I've tried to get back into Tae Bo since Samara's birth, but - except for a blessed period of about 6 weeks when she was content to sit on the floor and play with toys - she will not tolerate 30 minutes of mommy huffing and puffing in front of the TV, let alone 60 minutes.

And so - I've been walking. On the mornings that I don't go in to work, I put Samara in a back carrier and we walk two miles - the same two miles I walked every day of the last 2-3 months of my pregnancy with her. I prefer the back carrier to the stroller because my arms are free and because I know I must be getting more of a workout because I'm carrying 20 more lbs.

Now, if you walk like my sister walks (she's training for a 3 day, 60 mile walk - Go Teeps!), the nwalking is a good work out. And I do think that I stayed sufficiently healthy when I walked 2 miles a day while pregnant. But walking is doing absolutely nothing for me as far as regaining ANY muscle tone is concerned.

And so - I've returned to jogging. I cannot believe that at one point in my life I could jog several miles without stopping. Now, I strap Samara into her very nice jogging stroller and take off - glad the bulk of the stroller is hiding the horrific jiggling of muscle-less legs... and yet, glad for the jiggle - because - like my sister says - if it's not jiggling, it's not going to go away.

The last five days I've jiggle-jogged 1.5 miles out of my 2 mile route. I think Samara is learning to like it. She puts her head back and laughs at the trees as they 'fly' by at a 10 minute mile pace instead of a 12 minute mile pace. :-) She wears a pumpkin stocking cap to keep her ears from getting cold and I wear maternity shorts (yes - maternity shorts - because they're the most comfortable) in hopes that this jiggle-jogging will help me bury them in a box in my basement...

Oh! And because I can't seem to post without a picture, check out my sister and her husband's newest addition to the family!

'Gideon' Keizer will join their household on Labor Day weekend!

Our trip to Mackinaw City

2007-08-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

.
This past week, we took our first just-the-three-of-us family vacation up to Mackinaw City. Samara has learned SO much in the last week or so. She turned 11 months old Monday - and we mark that day as the first day she took independent steps (the video shows the beginnings of that endeavor) and the first day she crawled a decent length of carpet without screaming (the video shows the later development of this endeavor).

Samara stepped feet in the waters of Lake Huron, on the stones of the beach, and over every inch of the hotel room. She saw horses and butterflies on Mackinac Island and took a nap under one of the Island's trees. She rode on her first ferry and over her first suspension bridge. She loves people and people are drawn to her smiles and squeals. Four out of five times, friendly tourists assumed she was a boy - most likely because we tend not to dress her in pink (I think pink is the only obvious girl-color. She wears red outfits with white flowers, and people still think she's a boy!).

Enjoy this little montage of her practicing her new skills!

Walking, Talking, Crawling

Professional Blog

2007-08-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

Hi, friends!

For anyone who's interested, I've started a blog through my work (pastor for discernment at Calvin Seminary in Grand Rapids, MI). It's called, In Search of Wisdom. And it's for anyone who would like to get into conversations about listening to God.

Check it out!

(and join the conversation, if you'd like!)

My family is okay

2007-08-02T08:01:00.000-04:00

.

The bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis last night is a bridge my brother, Derek, my sister, Tracy, and my brother-in-law, Robb, use. It is just a couple of miles from Tracy and Robb's new house and just a matter of blocks from Derek's house.

I am full of gratitude that none of my beloved family were on or near the bridge when it collapsed. I am especially glad because not only were the lives of Derek and Tracy and Robb spared, but also the precious life of my little niece or nephew that my beautiful sister is carrying inside her. Tracy is just entering her second trimester and is due on Valentine's Day next year!

Please pray for the city that my family calls home and for all those who are searching for and caring for the victims... and for all of the families who are grieving right now.

Finally, a tooth!

2007-07-29T20:02:00.001-04:00

Just a note to let y'all know that Samara is FINALLY (at ten and three quarter months!) cutting a tooth. The teeny-tiny edge of it surfaced a week ago today, and now it's still only just pushing through, but she is letting us know about it. Today she woke up with a low-grade fever. She's using her pacifier as a teether and she's a bit cuddly. The gummy smile is on its way out...

Words

2007-07-19T13:28:00.000-04:00

We think that Samara's first word was 'Dada.' She squeals his name when Tim comes home from work.

Samara uses my name when she's crabby. Through her tears she says, "My-ma-ma-ma-my-ma-ma," over and over again. I didn't think we could really count that as an intelligible word, but Tim thinks that she says it while she's crying because she knows that I'm going to come and rescue her. :-) Thanks, Love.

Well, here she is talking lovingly to her Zebra pillow in a video I captured last night... No intelligible words, really (except right at the end, I think she says "Hagrid." I know - too much Harry Potter).

These words from Psalm 8 come to mind:

"Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies." - Today's New International Version

or from The Message:

"Nursing infants gurgle choruses about you."

Thank you, Lord - for words and pre-words - for my verbal little girl!

Samara talking

Peace

2007-07-02T21:28:00.000-04:00

Bedtime routines were always important when I was growing up. My mom would read to each of us five minutes every night. We made it through The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit and the subsequent trilogy, lots of Anne of Green Gables books... This tradition carried us through grade school and even into high school. Mom would read and then I'd pray - and then it was lights out.

But that wasn't all. My dad would always come in to say good night. Sometimes he'd come in right after Mom, sometimes it wouldn't be until much later - after getting home from Council or some other night meeting. He'd kiss my forehead and say, "Good night, Heidi. God bless you. I love you."

Samara's bedtime routine lasts about an hour... it includes bathing, watching some Baby Einstein, reading a story, nursing, and singing Jesus Loves Me. But later on in the evening... several hours after she's gone to sleep, Tim and I always sneak one more peek. We watch her little chest - to make sure it's moving up and down. We look at each other and grin. We avoid the creaky parts of the floor as we leave her room.

Samara and I are both missing her Daddy's contribution to the nighttime routine. It's sad for me not to be able to explain that Dadda will be home in five more days. As far as she knows, he'll never be back... or he'll be back any minute. Does she miss him? I think so.

The words to the song, Peace, from my favorite childhood record, The Music Machine, ran through my head today:

Peace is when the wind stops blowing.
Peace is where the sun is showing.
Knowing that my daddy’s home.
God gives me peace.

Peace is when I’m tucked in bed.
When my mommy pats my head.
Peace is smiling while I sleep.
God gives me peace.
Peace, peace,
I think I understand.
Peace, peace
is holding Jesus' hand.

And Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Shawn, too!

2007-07-02T20:23:00.000-04:00

And here's a picture of Samara with her Aunt Stephanie (Tim's sister) and Uncle Shawn who were also visiting in June!

We love you, Stephanie and Shawn!

Not a fan of the fourth

2007-07-01T19:58:00.000-04:00

This has nothing to do with the fact that I'm really not very patriotic. I am just not into fireworks. I don't like mosquitoes or crowds or traffic - which all seem to be involved with watching fireworks in city parks... by rivers, over bays. A couple of years ago on the fourth, Tim and I watched some random fireworks display on television. That was enough.

And I also don't like firecrackers... or whatever you call the stuff people do in their driveways. Case in point: last night. I had put Samara to bed after a long day of just the two of us (thus began a long week of just the two of us... Tim is on a mission trip in Ontario and eventually Grandma Petersen will be joining us, but for now - it's just the two of us). I was in bed and had been drifting into sleep for a half an hour or so when pop-pop-pop.... Firecrackers. And just when I thought they were done - more pop-pop.... bang... pop. Couldn't tune them out - and then after an hour of that, I spent another two hours trying to get to sleep.

Perhaps someday, when Samara is older, I will endure sparklers in the driveway or saving a space in some park with a blanket in order to get a good view... Until then, I'll change the subject and show some pictures of S with Tim's siblings:

Aunt Noel and Uncle Mike...

Uncle Than... Even though it looks like she's smiling, she's actually her characteristically 'I'm-always-cranky-when-Uncle-Than-holds-me' self. That's a smiley-scream right there.

Uncle Mike, who will be a Fulbright scholar in Berlin beginning this August, gave a book to Samara at this most recent visit. He inscribed The Little Engine That Could:

Samara,

You've had some time now to reflect on your cancer ordeal. We thank God that God blasted your neuroblastoma, but we give some credit (and remuneration) to the doctors and nurses as well. In fact, the whole question of agency is complicated here, but you'll have some time to work that out. For now, I congratulate you for your part in the success, with this classic about the train that 'thought she could.' Samara, we thought you could, and you did. We're proud of you.

Uncle Mike.

Thanks, Uncle Mike.

More new water experiences

2007-06-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

Samara delights in new experiences... I try to imagine what it must be like to have never seen Lake Michigan before and then suddenly to be at the edge of this HUGE body of water, waves tickling my little toes... my pudgy feet sinking in the wet sand. Her little brain must have made millions of new connections on Monday afternoon.

Enjoy her squeaks and squeals...

(not sure why this posted all huge!)

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thanks, Fi.

2007-06-23T14:00:00.001-04:00

Can you say, I love my Scottish dress from Auntie Fiona?

Enough said.

8 Random Things

2007-06-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

Meg tagged me... Thanks, Meg! These are fun... The rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. When I feed Samara, her ear leaves this perfect little ear-imprint on my arm. I love that imprint and I've been wanting to say so in some context for a long time. This list is as good as any.

2. My siblings and I make fun of my mom because she personalizes most movies and television shows. She gets SO involved that she sometimes has a hard time sleeping after an intense night of watching '24'. I shall no longer make fun of her. Tim and I have watched a couple of movies recently that contain neglectful and sad parent-child situations (L 'Enfant and Sherrybaby.) I'm not losing sleep, but AH! I can't watch more than 1/2 a movie before I have to go in and check on sleeping Samara to remind myself of my own world. [Not recommending the Sherrbaby, by the way. The redemptive moment at the end and the honesty of the story didn't make up for what I had to fast forward through.]

3. Tim and I read together every night. We took several months off at the beginning of Samara's life, but now we're back at it. We're reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards. I love it.

4. My other favorite novel from the last few years: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.

5. I usually discern God's leading in my life through moments of intense intuition. These intuitive moments usually pan out the way I expect them to. God threw me a curve ball a few weeks ago. Still trying to figure out what I intuited - because it did not pan out the way I thought it was going to.

6. I love the CRCNA, but sometimes I don't like it.

7. Grocery shopping is now something I look very much forward to because Samara comes with and sits in the cart. Part of the fun is her enjoyment of the sensory overload. The other part of the fun is random people telling me how cute she is. I put food next to her in the seat spot and she plays with it (non-toys are so much more interesting to her right now than toys).

8. Samara and Tim and I walked the Survivors' Lap at a Relay for Life last week Friday night. Samara wore the smallest t-shirt they had for survivors (a youth small). She was the youngest survivor on the track.

I tag Meika, Karla, Christine, Fiona, Betsy, Doug, Emily, and Amanda!

Samara in her pool

2007-06-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Samara had her first experience in her pool on Monday. It took me 45 minutes of blowing really hard, but I got her pool filled with air - and then water. Samara and I bought swimmer diapers and sunglasses and a sunhat at the grocery store - and then in she went.

The water was obviously unpleasantly cold at first - but she got used to it... and before long - I joined her. So, there we sat - Mom and daughter stuffed in a blown-up pool in our tankinis (in our backyard - along which runs a very well-traveled road... Because of the blow-up shade on our pool and because Samara was under the shade and I wasn't, it wasn't obvious to all of those driving by that Samara was in the pool... Tim said that we were amusing people - a guy sitting in his lawnchair next to his scantily clad wife in a very small pool on a hot day... Only for you, Samara).

Here's a partial record of her experience:

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

When bad things happen to pastors

2007-06-09T08:34:00.000-04:00

When things happen in threes, I pay attention. Not because I'm superstitious, but because God seems to communicate to me through the bunching-up of reality. So, the three things:

Thing #1: my life - which has had its share of bad things (young widowhood, miscarriage, daughter with cancer). I've often wondered how to incorporate these struggles into my pastoral care and preaching.

Thing #2: future colleague, Mary, spent a few scary moments the other day as woman-overboard during a white water rafting trip. She was rescued, but in her underwater moments, terrified. I commented on her blog - 'what a host of sermon illustrations just happened to you...'

Thing #3: I was speaking with a friend yesterday (we share Dordt College as an alma mater). He graduated from Regent College in BC and is now a pastor in Sioux Center, IA. His wife is a brand new being-published fiction-writer. They've gone through their share of tough times - including three second-trimester miscarriages. And I asked him, how does what you have gone through show itself in your ministry?

It was his response that clinched the 'bunching-up' of reality. He said that it bothers him when people exploit the bad things that happen to them - - - using these stories to make sermons pop. "God doesn't place difficult times in my life to give me better sermon illustrations."

God speaks to me in the bunching-up.

But I'm not sure what God is saying exactly... Except to ask me to keep wondering. I don't have the answers here... But I have thought a lot about when (and when not to) and how (and how not) to tell one's story - from the pulpit - at the bedside.

So, I'll keep wondering - listening to the Spirit. Just as widowhood became less and less of a defining experience for me - so Samara's cancer will gradually cease to be the 'big story' of her life - and our lives.

And yet, as Nicholas Wolterstorff says in Lament for a Son - we need to keep the wound open - so that we do not forget - so that Death doesn't get prematurely healed over and blessed. Just because God works all things together for good, doesn't mean that the things - the bad things - the three things - are good things in and of themselves.

I hold the wound open - not externally - in order to bleed all over a congregation - but internally - so that I can hate the things that God hates - Death. Cancer. Miscarriage. Fear.

At least until that twinkling of an eye... when we will all be changed... healed... made alive.

Death will die.

But the scars - will they not remain?

"Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side.'"

Samara's first claps

2007-05-30T16:54:00.000-04:00

Samara started clapping several weeks ago. This video was taken the first day she discovered this new skill. You'll have to excuse my voiceover. When she first started clapping I felt compelled to give a running commentary. :-/

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

$27.00

2007-05-29T07:51:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, Samara and I went shopping. After a quick trip to Barnes and Noble and Old Navy, I made a quick visit to Shoe Carnival. They had a sale: buy one pair of shoes, get another pair for half off. I found these pairs of sandals. I hesitated - telling the sales woman that my husband was in a meeting and I wasn't sure he'd be too thrilled about these purchases. "Garage sales, Heidi." That's what he says to me over and over again when I get the urge to buy teeny tiny clothes. "It's almost garage sale season..."

I bought the shoes. The sales woman assured me it was a good deal. "Tell your husband that $27.00 is a great deal for two pairs of shoes."

Tim was less than impressed.

Two days later, Tim went garage saling with Samara while I was at work. And for exactly the same amount of money, he got all of this...

Count them - fourteen outfits. Including the purchase that he's most excited about:

Tim is a huge Michigan State basketball fan. This cheerleader outfit will fit Samara perfectly right around Halloween. If she's anything like her mother, this will be as close as she ever gets to being a real cheerleader.

Oh - and inlcuded in the $27.00 was an awfully cute pair of sandals. And a 'Sit-n-Spin.'

I've learned my lesson.

Insomnia

2007-05-17T19:17:00.000-04:00

I'm developing a pattern. Once a week or so I find myself unable to fall asleep. If I don't fall asleep within the first half hour of going to bed, something buzzes in my head (the light goes on - like in those ridiculously accurate Ambien CR commercials) and I know that I have hours of wakefulness ahead of me.

I went to bed at 10:00 last night and at 10:30 I was still awake. And Tim was asleep. I started doing the math...

"Okay, if I fall asleep now I'll still get six and a half hours of sleep - but if I don't fall asleep until midnight, then I'll only get five hours of sleep... that's not enough. Wow, Samara has already had three and a half hours of sleep.... Why can't I fall asleep?!"

As I toss and turn my brain searches for a thought to catch on... something mundane and multi-faceted at the same time - so that I don't get worked up or bored. When I get worked up, the buzzing gets louder and the light gets brighter. When I get bored I start thinking about thinking - which is the worst.

Last night I got out of bed at 11:30 after an hour of getting progressively more awake. I bopped around on line for a while, and then I picked up John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted- a book I'm reading in preparation for Calvin Seminary's Facing Your Future program this summer. This little story calmed me a good deal:

Richard Foster writes of a friend walking through a shopping mall with his two-year-old son. The boy was cranky and out of sorts, and nothing the father did would settle him down.

When nothing else works the father finally picks his son up, holds him in his arms, and begins to sing to him a song that he makes up as he goes along: "I love you. I love the way you laugh. I'm glad I get to be your dad."

Suddenly this song does what nothing else could. His son's eyes get wide, his mouth closes and grins, he nestles into his father's chest and listens all the way out to the car.

When his father puts him into the car seat and buckles him in, his son throws out his arms and says, "Sing it to me again, Daddy. Sing it again."

Prayer is like that. With simplicity of heart we allow ourselves to be gathered up into the arms of the Father and let him sing his love song over us.

Sing it again.

I'd like to say that I drifted right off to sleep after reading that and that in no way did I proceed to wake Tim up and cry for a while (not unlike a cranky two year old) before tossing two more hours until I finally fell asleep around 2:30... But I can't say that. The night didn't get magically better.

But I was comforted by the thought of God gathering me up and singing over me. And I think I finally fell asleep as I was saying over and over again in my head the breath prayer that usually accompanies my final restless wakeful moments:

"God, I receive the gift of sleep from you whenever you might send it."

Sleep is a gift...
...a gathering up of thoughts and anxieties into a singularity.
...a love song.

Tulip Time!

2007-05-10T20:17:00.000-04:00

As promised, here are some pictures of Samara in her (borrowed) Dutch costume. Poor Samara Grace... we brought her Centennial Park in downtown Holland and made her sit in front of tulips for a half an hour or so. There were several other parents placing their Dutch-clad children in front of the tulips. "Hold your sister's hand! Okay, now look into your brother's eyes! Honey, look over here! No, don't pull on the tulips!"

It was hard to get Samara to pose - she was not interested in looking at us or at the camera. Everything else was more interesting.

But she made it through - and so did we. Enjoy her cuteness!

Prayers for Ali

2007-05-10T08:15:00.000-04:00

This is Ali. She has leukemia. We know her mainly through her CarePage (www.carepages.com ; CarePage name: AliArdema). Ali is receiving a stem cell transplant today between 11:00am and 1:00pm EST.

These are the things her family asks that we be in prayer for:

...give thanks for donor
...pray for the quick recovery and management of any pain for the donor
...give thanks for the good match between the donor and Ali
...give thanks that God has brought Ali to this point (remission and infection control)
...pray for quick engraftment and 100% donor bone marrow
...pray for no serious Graft versus Host Disease (GVHD)
...pray for effectiveness in curing leukemia
...give thanks that God preserved and brought Ali to this point

Please pray for Ali.

The Church Nursery

2007-05-07T18:58:00.000-04:00

I have a love-hate relationship with the church nursery. Way back when I was a wee one, I probably didn't like it so much. Being in the nursery meant being away from Mom and Dad - which I was never a big fan of. Later on in life, I enjoyed nursery duty with Mom. It meant skipping the worship service, playing with babies, and best of all, wearing pants to church in the morning.

The church nursery slipped off my radar for several years until last year - when Samara was born. Suddenly, the nursery became a place of renewed interest.

Samara hasn't actually spent much time in the nusery. While on chemo we kept her quite clear of it - it is after all, a place full of festering germs. Now that her immune system is back on track, I've thought about putting her in the nursery, but lately, her morning feeding is right at 10:00 (smack dab in the middle of morning worship) and her bedtime is between 6:30 and 7:00 (right in the middle of the evening service). In other words, her schedule doesn't lend itself to me putting her in the nursery. And frankly, I'd rather Samara be in the worship service - as long as she's not being too disruptive. She seems to enjoy church: she watches the light coming through the stained glass windows, the banners floating above her, the people singing in the row behind her. She listens intently to the music and takes a cat-nap during the sermon. Even if she doesn't know what's going on - I'm a big fan of children being in the worship service as much as possible.

All that to say that I haven't much felt like putting her in the nursery - and one of the times I did she had a huge screaming fit...

But yesterday morning, after her 10am feeding, I plopped her in an exersaucer in the infant nursery and joined Tim to listen to the end of our pastor's sermon on marriage and to celebrate the Lord's Supper. When we came back to the nursery 45 minutes later, Samara hardly looked at us - she was totally fixated on some huge nursery toy with chutes and balls and turrets and ramps.

So we'll be using the nursery more often.

AND... (here's the main reason I'm writing this post)...

I am now Faith Church's new nursery coordinator. The plea has been going out for months... we've needed a new nursery coordinator. I kept thinking - that job is not for me. I have gifts for singing and worship leading and playing piano... preaching... administering the sacraments. I don't belong in the nursery!

But the need was there and part of our calling to service in God's world is discerned through recognizing the needs of the world... and this little corner of the kingdom desperately needed a nursery coordinator.

And I'm it.

I'll be wiping down changing pads, sanitizing toys, removing choking hazards, replacing pager batteries, making sure the nursery is staffed 20 minutes before each service, tweaking Samara's nap and bedtime routine more than I would rather...

...and wearing pants to church more often than not.

Wait, I do that anyway...

Stay tuned: Tulip Time pictures of Samara in her borrowed Dutch costume are forthcoming!

2007-05-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

Ever since I wrote the previous post about missing tiny Samara, I have become convinced that being able to miss Samara while still holding her (i.e., the happy kind of missing) is an absolute luxury - a luxurious gift from God. God has reminded me of this by showing me stories of other children.

1. Alexis Grace

Alexis has neuroblastoma - the same kind of cancer that Samara had, but a more aggressive form. Alexis' mom, Jill, whose faith is so strong, wrote this in a recent post on her page:

I remember a very “dark” day in January this year, when the doctor sat down with me & I said “I can’t believe you say she will probably only live 3- 6 months from now”, she said 3 months is more realistic; without any treatments. Well, 3 months has passed! Alexis is stronger and healthier than ever before in this process. Only God knows when Alexis’s life will end, as with everyones. If we can give her medical treatment to prolong a happy, virtually pain free life, we will do that. If we could take every painful thing from her and give it to ourselves for the rest of our lives and keep her healthy, we would do that. But she doesn’t deserve to pay the price.

Again, we’re reminded to live in the moment! Not 6 months from now, not even next week. God has given us miracle after miracle in this process. Alexis is a shining symbol of hope!

So, today even though I’m sad to be reminded that we may lose her and that the disease really isn’t better, I’m thankful that the main tumor is gone (for now, they expect it will probably return) I’m thankful she is smiling & I’m thankful to God for the last 11 months with Alexis, no matter how difficult and painful they’ve been at times; I wouldn’t trade a moment with this child!

Please pray for Alexis and her family.

2. Samantha Page

Samantha is in remission from leukemia. Her mom, Karla (hi, Karla), whose faith is so real and beautiful told us about the seed of faith in little Samantha:

Samantha was so cute at dinner tonight. We frequently hold hands around the dinner table when we pray. We include Samantha in this. Tonight after we were done praying and as we were eating she quietly reached for my arm, took my hand and held it gently.

She just sat there softly holding my hand. So I took Mike's hand and Grandma Marty held out her hand for Samantha to hold and Samantha very sweetly took Grandma's hand too. We ended up holding hands and praying three times during dinner tonight.

I doubt that Samantha understands why we pray, still I was so touched that she wanted to pray again and again. Isn't that how it should be? We have so much to be thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for and thank God daily for all He has done.

It was nice to get the gentle reminder of the importance of prayer through the hand of my baby daughter.

Please pray for Samantha and her family.

3. Baby boy

A student at the seminary emailed the community to tell us that his wife, who was 22 weeks along her in pregnancy, had gone into labor and that they were anticipating only being able to spend a little bit of time with their baby boy once he was born.

Please pray for this family.

So, as I hold my baby girl, I will try to stay in the luxurious present - rejoicing that she is who she is and she is with me now - trusting God that the cancer that he blasted from her body will stay away - and praying that God would give hope and faith and peace to all parents who are holding their children in their hands even as they entrust them to God's hands.

Tinier times

2007-05-02T11:22:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine had a baby last weekend and I visited her yesterday. It felt so good and so strange to hold a 8 lb. 11 oz. baby. When Samara was born, I remember thinking that she really wasn't so little, but she was! Holding tiny babies sends me running to the computer to look at pictures of Samara from those first days.

When I think of those days and see pictures like this - it's hard to describe the feeling... Let me try...

When I was in high school I wore 'White Musk' from The Body Shop. That was my 'signature scent.' I haven't worn it or owned it in a long time - but not so long ago, I happened by The Body Shop and took a quick sniff of my favorite high school perfume. And boom. I was there. Hustling off in my skirt, tuxedo shirt and apron to work at The Willows Retirement Center - my long hair in two braids that the old men liked to tug on - wondering who I'd be working with and what leftovers I'd get to eat... You know how scents do that to you... take you back to a time that you can never go back to.

Well, when I look at pictures of Samara when she was little, it's kind of like that - boom - I'm there... and those memories of her tiny-ness are warm and delicious and a little bit sad.

As I type, Samara is sitting up on her play mat, grabbing at whatever she can reach, looking at me periodically with her deep blue eyes (that are deeper blue because of the little denim outfit she has on), saying 'Ma-ma-ma-mom' over and over again... I didn't know her back then - didn't know her little personality, but when I look at her tiny-time pictures, I can see it. I can see who she is now in those eensy-weensy expressions. I think I miss her - miss the little her. And in a few months I'll miss this little her... so I'll go back to enjoying her now. :-)

Samara's Lovey

2007-04-30T14:47:00.000-04:00

While Samara took her morning nap, Tim and I put together the jogging stroller my parents had gotten me for my birthday. We were still putting it together when Samara woke up. We heard her talking in her crib and left her there for a while as we finished the stroller.

When we went in her room to get her up she was making happy squealy noises. We looked in her crib and her face was covered with her 'lovey' (the taggie blanket her babysitter, Julie, made her). Her little arms and legs went rigid with excitement as we talked to her and when we pulled her lovey off her face she was grinning as if she had just invented the game of Peek-a-boo. Her lovey is pictured below - long before it was her lovey. Wow - she was tiny. :-)

God Watcher

Christmas Letter 2011

Happy Birthday, Judah!

The latest

More walking...

Naomi is walking!

Growing Girls

Tiny Michigan State fan.

Some new video

The Nebulizer

Dancing! :-)

Godspell

The cousins

My talkers

Final Gifts

More video

Little Miss Spits-A-Lot

Naomi and Rice Cereal... and Samara watching over it all...

Talkin' to a man

I'm a Daddy's Girl

Pastor Mama

Loving the Bible

Another video...

The De Jonges in publication...

Cute Samara video

Bedtime stories

DSL is faster

Video for the aunties...

Saying Yes

The vote

Back to Work

Waiting...

It's in God's court...

A Second Date

soft like air

Pictures for Daddy

Eyes like blueberries

Too cute

Moments after Naomi's first bath

Exponential Love

Naomi Rene

Samara Week

Imm(i/a)nence

Mother's Day / Pentecost

Samara in a year...

the providential ... cough?

in our sundresses

Kissing Chicken

If every one of them were written down...

Berlin and Edinburgh

Samara and Aletha

Samara LOVES Gideon

A video of my niece...

A Dance and A Song

Some things aren't meant to be tried hard

An extra hug

Death

Footage

Bee Bo

Layton and Samara

Two Memes

A peanut allergy!

Go, State!

A non-cancer X-ray

The Toddler Nursery

Weekend at Tracy's

Look, Mom! No hands!

Hugging

"Guppy"

What not to do while giving a chapel talk at a high school

The cakes that were

The cake that wasn't

And now for something completely different...

My super-smart cousins

The perpetuation of danger

Pear Cheddar Pie Recipe

Pear Pie and the bowels of my shower

Christ Pantocrator

Jogging!

Our trip to Mackinaw City